Tuesday, January 19, 2010

New Years Resolution

This past advent there were cards at the church asking us to list blessings from the last year and resolutions for the new year. While I was considering the blessings from the past year I realized that one of the biggest blessings was something that hurt a lot but showed me how much fear causes me to sin. My resolution for the new year was to fear not, and then I said a prayer asking God to show me how to implement it.

Next I was directed to a webpage for discerning your primary vice, with the purpose of then trying to focus on the virtue to combat it. I realized that my primary vice was vanity. I used to think my vice was pride, but it never seemed to jive with my low opinion of myself (this not being humility but a lack of recognition of my worth as a child of God).

I have now realized that because I believed myself to be [fill in negative thought] I have always been afraid that the world would "find me out" and reject me. Each action is reflected upon from every possible angle to see where I might cause someone to think badly of me or betray my lack of [insert positive quality]. Each of my minor mistakes is blown into epic proportions in my mind for which I'm sure the world now despises me.

So how to combat this? Well, the thought that comes to mind is to do one silly/wrong thing a day and taking note of how the world doesn't revolve around me.

These things won't be big (at least not at first) and they certainly won't be sinful, but they'll be hard for my over analytical self. Yesterday I didn't brush my hair (gasp!) and not a soul noticed. Today, I did nothin....decided to start posting the one thing to this blog so I wouldn't have another day where I did nothing ;-).

Tomorrow I'll be wearing a black cabbie hat to work.