Friday, June 29, 2007

Storms

My family has been going through some difficult times lately. On Tuesday I received some really bad news that threw me into a emotional tornado. I learned of the news around 2pm and for the rest of the afternoon my emotions ranged from extreme anger, to grief, to numbness. I couldn't think straight at all, in fact every event seemed to come back to my family and bring me to tears.

I got to Church that evening and ran into my spiritual director (a wonderful priest). He'd been on vacation for several weeks and this was the first time I'd seen him since he'd been back. For the entire time he was gone things were going great. I got a good job, my family was plodding along, no real good news or bad, my friends were around me and I felt at peace. Now today, bad news just come, and he sees me a wreck...my first thought was that he's going to think I'm always getting bad news, or that I'm crazy (I think he already knows that one though).

I didn't talk to him right away, I was a bit miffed, but while at mass I could almost hear God saying, "You need a spiritual director now...you didn't need one then." I actually became angry. I didn't want a spiritual director, I wanted the problem solved. I wanted the wrongs righted and everything to be OK now.

Yet that is not the answer He gives. He will not still this storm, but he will give me the grace and support to see me through. It's not the answer I want, I want my family to be safe and happy, but I'm being called to trust the Lord. He loves them far more than I ever could and knows what will bring them healing.

I need to trust His love for them, that he wants them to find healing and peace. He has shown me how much he loves me through my spiritual director, friends, work and the peace He has given me. I cannot bring my family healing, only He can. I must learn to let go and let God do just that.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Good Blogs are Addicting...

So, I haven't posted in a week, but I've been online that whole time (well, except when I was sleeping - I turn off my computer at night...)

What have I been doing? Reading other blogs, of course! I've broken out the popcorn and enjoyed the brewing war between Spirit of Vatican 2 "Catholic" Faith Community and AGainst the Huns - The Society of St Leo I. Apparently there is a picnic being planned which will bring together these two totally divergent communities over penitential brownies. I wait with bated breath for the picnic, the meeting of the hippie church and the traditionalist church should be the event of the millennium.

Now, after reading about all that excitement, I turn to more serious topics. There is a wonderful post on Adoro's page about Christianity and Abortion. Although it is not effective against the non-Christian, it is a good pro-life argument from scriptures that will touch Christians when they hear it.

Then I went over to PhatCatholic's site and saw a great movie on the defense of Pope Pius XII. I'd heard he was called Hitler's Pope unjustly, but hadn't realized the depth of that lie. To think someone could say he was on the side of the Nazi's when he did so much to help the Jews just stunned me. I'm going to wandering to the library and check out The Myth of Hitler's Pope, but I feel I should finish the other 20 books I've already checked out first.

So, while I continue to neglect my poor blog, enjoy the variety and knowledge offered by those who are a great deal more entertaining, interesting and informative. So much so, that I believe I've become addicted!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Repetition, Life and Love

All the towering materialism which dominates the modern mind rests ultimately upon one assumption; a false assumption. It is supposed that if a thing goes on repeating itself it is probably dead; a piece of clockwork. People feel that if the universe was personal it would vary; if the sun were alive it would dance. This is a fallacy even in relation to known fact. For the variation in human affairs is generally brought into them, not by life, but by death; by the dying down or breaking off of their strength or desire. A man varies his movements because of some slight element of failure or fatigue. He gets into an omnibus because he is tired of walking; or he walks because he is tired of sitting still. But if his life and joy were so gigantic that he never tired of going to Islington, he might go to Islington as regularly as the Thames goes to Sheerness. The very speed and Ecstasy of his life would have the stillness of death.

The sun rises every morning. I do not rise every morning; but the variation is due not to my activity, but to my inaction. [The sun's] routine might be due, not to a lifelessness, but to a rush of life. The thing I mean can be seen, for instance, in children, when they find some game or joke that they specially enjoy. A child kicks his legs rhythmically through excess, not absence, of life. Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening, "Do it again" to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we. The repetition in Nature may not be a mere recurrence; it may be a theatrical ENCORE. Heaven may ENCORE the bird who laid an egg. If the human being conceives and brings forth a human child instead of bringing forth a fish, or a bat, or a griffin, the reason may not be that we are fixed in an animal fate without life or purpose. It may be that our little tragedy has touched the gods, that they admire it from their starry galleries, and that at the end of every human drama man is called again and again before the curtain. Repetition may go on for millions of years, by mere choice, and at any instant it may stop. Man may stand on the earth generation after generation, and yet each birth be his positively last appearance.

--Chesterton [Orthodoxy]


I love this quote. The first time I read it I walked outside and a strong wind went by and tousled a line of maple trees. I realized that the Lord could have decided not to make trees this year, or not to make them that beautiful shade of green and silver. Tears came to my eyes and I prayed "Please Lord, do it again!" The wind died to a gentle breeze and I looked to my left, from which it came, and saw a beautiful sunset. Then the wind picked back up again.

I still find myself saying "do it again!" like a little child. I find myself thrilled with little wildflowers and pretty stones, as simple as they are they seem to take on a whole new meaning. They are all alike, but each one is unique and specially created by God.

I have such a difficult time loving people in this way. Lord, give me a heart of flesh so I may recognize that all of us are special creations, loved far more than the wildflowers and more valuable than the most stunning sunset. Teach me to love your children with your love. Amen

Roller Blades

So, my friend and I went around to the yard sales this morning and found a pair of nice roller blades for $5. They happened to fit (a bit small, but still doable). It's been years since I roller bladed, I thought it would be worth $5 to try them out again.

So I get home and decided that I'll wear them to the store, which is right around the corner, buy some groceries. I've decided to record this dialogue I had with myself while doing this, partly for comic value, partly because I do hold conversations with myself. Yes, I know I'm crazy. ;)

***sitting down putting on the blades***
Do you remember the last time you went blading?
Yea sure, I've only been once before, in college.
When you borrowed your sister's roller blades.
Yup.
And went down death hill...
oh...yea, that back flip ending with a severe headache...
yea - are you sure this is a good idea?
Sure, I just need a helmet!
Are you sure?
Yup!
***click***

***heads outside and looks down the stairs***
You aren't going to try walking down those stairs in blades...
***clop clop clop***
Are you even listening to me?
Nope - I'm going to the store - this will be fun!

***starts across the parking lot***
See, it's just like ice skating - I'm good at that.
Ice is flat...
Yea, but these have little breaks on the back so I can stop on a hill.
Perhaps you should see if those work.
Good idea ***eek*** apparently it's only on the right heel.
***snickers***
By the way, talking to myself is ok - laughing is unacceptable.
sorry...
But see, the other break works!
You're going uphill...
I'm sure it'll work going downhill - here's one...
***eek***

Yes, the pinwheeling arms worked well to stop you.
They did steer me into this nice grass where I could regain my balance.

...
Are you going to walk in the grass the whole way?
No, of course not. Here's a nice place to get out.
You realize that is a downhill slope right?
It's very shallow, I'll be fine.

***eases out onto the sidewalk***
See, nice and easy.
You're going a bit fast aren't you?
Yes, but then we apply the break...
...and start pinwheeling?
YUP!
***eek***

...ow...
Well, it's at least a good thing the street was empty when you fell into it.
ow...
Look, your pants are ripped!
ow...
You'd better get yourself out of the road before a car comes.
sniffle...
The crawling is very dignified.
why does my thumb hurt?
Because you landed on it.
oh...

...
What are you doing?
I'm going to walk down the hill on the grass till it levels out...
umm...what about turning around and heading home.
No, I just need more practice!

...
See, it's uphill here, I'll be fine!
Downhills tend to come after up...
I'll be fine.
***eek***
you just fell again.
I know!
are you done yet?
NO!

***wobble wobble wobble***
More level ground, I'll get out here.
um...that is a gentle slope.
Yea, but I can slow by weaving back and forth...
LOOK OUT FOR THE BABY CARRIAGE!
***eek***
Now are you done?
***sniffle*** My tush hurts.
That's because you fell on it three times.
No the first time my thumb broke the fall...
Are you going to take those things off?
Yea...I'll walk back

So now it's several hours and bags of ice later. I'm beginning to think I may not try it tomorrow since it's difficult to sit down. I'm seriously thinking about pawning them off onto a friend, but then again, there's that whole "do unto other's" clause in Christianity...

Either way, I think ice skating is a much more fun, though less amusing activity. As for trips to the store, I think bikes are wonderful don't you?

Friday, June 15, 2007

Blog Decision

After giving it some thought, and discussing it with my spiritual director, I've decided I went a bit crazy last week. I've come to the conclusion that posting is not detrimental to my spiritual welfare because:

First, it may provide some sort of aid to someone in the future.
Second, there is little harm in it as long as I'm talking about advice from other sources (how can I take pride in quoting from Pinckaers?)
Third, very few people read my blog anyway - so it is a lesson in humility. :p

So back to blogging - even if I only post infrequently, I do enjoy it. :-D

Monday, June 04, 2007

Pride and Blogs

I have a dilemma with blogs and how they relate to pride and I'm looking for some suggestions...

I started saying the Litany of Humility about a month ago. The weird thing about that prayer is that as soon as you say it you start seeing the prideful moments very clearly. Now I've been keeping a blog for over a year and just started posting a lot more to it. The other day I realized that I was eagerly looking over the blog to see if anyone had posted any comments. I realized it was pride, I wanted people to be reading my blog and telling me how great it was

So then I removed the comments, ok now I'll never know if someone reads it! Then I thought, well now I'm just posting things - assuming they are right - and giving no one a chance to correct me! Pride!

So then I thought - I should just stop posting totally! But then I kept thinking about all the wonderful words of wisdom on healing I was getting and I wanted someone else to benefit from it. Besides, it would keep with the 12th step "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others"

Perhaps I should just take this to my spiritual director and get his opinion on the whole matter, but I was wondering if there were some wise people out there who might give a suggestion

Saturday, June 02, 2007

The Serenity Prayer

God grant met the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference;

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world, as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen