Monday, June 05, 2006

Crazy Dream

So, I simply must tell about this crazy dream I had while in Nashville (crazy as in funny-odd).

In the dream I was in a car with another girl talking back and forth while driving to some location. Now I don't remember which one I was (passenger or driver) or who said what, but for the sake of telling I'll just assign roles. I noticed an area off to the side where the trees were cut down and being prepped for shipping and I remarked that it would be a great place. The other replied "Why yes, St Dominic would love living there!" and I get a vision of a great tree cut in two with a gap between the pieces and thinking it would be a great little place for him to live, why? Since it had no bed of course! "Yes," I reply, "You should write to him to let him know about it, I hear he is still living in France." Then this music starts playing and I hear the lyrics "Preacher of Fire, you are my hearts desire-ire-ire-ire..." fading into the ringing of the morning bells.

I believe my first thought that morning was... "whhaa??" and I had those lyrics playing in my head the entire day :P

Sunday, June 04, 2006

It's been a Month??!!

Wow, didn't realize that it's been a month since my last post, and with the two week break before that I wonder if anyone is still reading this :-P I guess this shows that keeping a blog isn't part of my vocation ;)

Oh well, I really need to write this down and try to sort out my thoughts, so if anyone is still reading I wouldn't mind a sounding board :D

Over this past month there have been two events that affected my discernment (and otherwise broke the tide of work and sleep). First I went to a doctors appointment on the 19th, then the next week went to Nashville for their retreat. These two events combined threw my whole discernment process into confusion - I can't wait for my spiritual director to get back.

First the doctor's appointment...and first a little background. In highschool I had a heart issue called SVT (supraventricular tachycardia) and it was finally diagnosed and treated when my Mom insisted that the doctor's look into it. So, before going in to the appointment I said a short prayer to Mary asking her to act as my mother did, making sure to bring to light anything that might need attention and dismissing anything that doesn't. Well, it was a strange appointment and I think that is exactly what happened. The doctor simply dismissed all the little ailments I had and zeroed in on a single recorded (and possibly two others not) of a slight tachycardia again. He insisted that I see a cardiologist, but when they tried to schedule the appointment it wasn't clear they'd get it in before the end of the month. Great ok, so I might have SVT again, fine, but won't that mean a community won't accept me? Not knowing this I headed down to Nashville a few days later...

So the Nashville trip...was horrid and wonderful at the same time. I decided to drive down (9 hours) and managed the trip ok, until Nashville itself. I then decided to spend an hour "touring" Nashville (aka - I got lost). Wonderful arrival, stressed and tired, but was glad to finally be there. The next day I was one of the first ones to talk to the sister in charge of the retreat and she basically implied that I might not have a vocation. I also told her about the doctor's appointment and she basically confirmed that someone with a major condition would probably not be admitted. So I left that meeting upset and confused and the first two days in Nashville were horrid, but I decided that night to make the most of it.

The next three days were wonderful. I loved the community and their life. The talks covered topics like Dominican life, spirituality, Mary, Bioethics, Community life, and their specific apostolate. I loved the sisters and the motherhouse was beautiful. There were a few times where I began to tire over the amount of prayer, but as soon as I got into it I loved it as well. A specific memory was sitting in Adoration (Holy Hour) up in front of the chapel, the sisters sat behind us and at the chanting points they would start singing. It sounded like angels singing in the was simply beautiful. I came away knowing one thing for sure, the Dominican order is going to have to beat me back. I'm going to be a Dominican; nun, sister or lay - I don't care!

Anyway, people keep asking me if I felt at home there (is this where you're going? Will you be going back?) I don't know. Everything was so conflicting that I can't get a clear feeling on the place.

What's conflicted? Well, here are all the issues, get ready for a storm: I went to Nashville not expecting to get a cardiologist appointment until August so I went thinking there would be no way I could enter a community this August and didn't worry about it(when they start their new postulants), but then I got back and I had an appointment for this month. Does this mean the heart questions will be resolved before the deadline for applications is done? Will I be waiting a year? I have no idea what to expect - it could either be SVT again or nothing; the doctor may be able to tell right away or it could take several months of testing. I found out about this the day after I submitted my resignation at work, come July 1st I'll have no more insurance...

Does this mean I'm not supposed to go home like planned? Should I be looking to continue my job here? I don't know if they can keep me...I don't even know if I want to stay. Should I go home and hope for another job? Or should I look for other ways of getting insurance? Perhaps this is just the Lord's way of saying "Trust me", but I'm being asked to make decisions now. I'm definitely moving out of my apartment, but should I sell everything, or just the non-essentials? Was I too hasty in deciding to leave Charlottesville? It was a decision made at a point of spiritual giddiness...oh I don't know. Everything is just so crazy! :p

Ah, so that is the craziness that is my life huh? I think I'll post some more blogs this week (make up for that month missing), besides, I simply must tell that crazy dream I had about St Dominic :D