Thursday, May 04, 2006

Three AM

Three am is the worst time of night for me. In this time before dawn, when things are quiet and cold, I become afraid of the dark and my doubts and fears surface. It is then that I question God's existence, the Church, the Bible and Truth itself. It's such a horrid time.

Last week this happened again, only it was a bit worse than normal. That day I'd been reading different people's call to the religious life and often the person was asked if he or she had considered the religious life...before they had ever begun thinking about it. I began thinking about how this almost never happens to me. Actually it has happened once, but at three am I didn't remember that occasion.

Shaken I walked into the chapel to pray, and sat for an hour asking for a miracle to dispel my doubts and fears. I wanted a big one, an apparition of Mary would have been about what I was looking for. Of course nothing happened, although I did leave with fewer fears than I'd walked in with, I realized that I would probably never receive a miracle like that happen in my life.

As I turned on my car I accepted that, but still longed for something. As I sat there I started listening to the song that was playing, the first line I understood was "Blessed are they who believe and yet have not seen."

I started crying. I was a bit miffed, I wanted a bigger miracle, but I also felt so blessed to know the Lord was listening to my pleas. It could be complete coincidence of course...but I think I'll choose to believe it's a little miracle :)

I cannot find it online (it must be new), but the rest of the lyrics go something like this:

I live among the scoffers and the questioning
"How can you trust a God that you have never seen?"

But I still believe
"Blessed are they who believe and yet have not seen."

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