Thursday, April 20, 2006

Peace

A few weeks ago I spoke to my boss about my decision to leave work and join a religious order. He commented that it must feel good to finally have a direction in life. I agreed without much thinking about it, but lately I've been considering what he said.

Even in school, when I "knew" what my direction was I was unsatisfied. I was going to become an astrophysist, teach and do research, yet I felt as if I had a purpose that I was not fufilling. Somehow I was in the wrong place doing the wrong things. I felt so much frustration over this nagging feeling that there were nights when I cried myself to sleep because nothing was right and no matter what I tried I still felt "wrong".

I've recently noticed that that horrid feeling is gone. Yet, while I no longer feel as if something is wrong in my life I'm not doing anything different. I still have the same job and do the same work as before, the same friends and the same frustrations. Even more, I no longer have a plan for what exactly I'll be doing in five years, or 5 months for that matter.

But things have changed. I no longer have a direction, but I do have a destination. Before the only destination I had was to be a "good christian" and live a happy life. Now I know what I'm living my life for and where I want to end up at the end. My destination is the Lord, my life is His to do with as He wills. The direction no longer matters. Although I have the desire to join the Dominicans as a religious sister, that is not my goal. My goal is to serve the Lord in whatever way He calls me, even if that means becoming *gasp* a Jesuit. ;)

1 comment:

Susan Rose, CSJP said...

I totally know what you're saying here.

Blessings